Random Fucks of a Free Soul

a friend of mine and I had a talk about sexuality. she said that i don’t look like a lesbian, that’s for her. well, i said that, yeah, i’m not. or i think that is what i want to think too. and that if i’m a Lesbian i won’t go out with “HIM” or i won’t let guys–some– to court me. afterward, she asked me, if given a chance, would there be a possibility that i would do relationship with a girl?  i said,i don’t know; who knows, MAYBE. what i mean with that is that, i don’t care whom i would do relationship with. i’m a free soul.if would have a relationship with a guy then, so be it. and if with a girl, then let it happen. but still, i don’t think i would fall in the label that they called BISEXUAL, i mean, i myself don’t label for who and what i am. sexuality doesn’t define me as a person. i also said to her that as of now, as much as possible i don’t want to do relationship, you know, i don’t like the possessiveness of a woman, or the over protectiveness and restrictions that is set by a guy. i don’t want anyone holding my neck. she said, you do not like many things, how’s that?!i shrug and said, i don’t know, maybe i’m made not to do relationships. having a relationship.. i mean INTIMATE relationship with whoever the fuck it would be.. makes my goosebumps appear. oh well, i also said to her that, i don’t want to get married but i want to have a kid. how’s that possible? i don’t know, maybe some RANDOM FUCK. i also mention her about a fortune teller telling me that “it is possible that i might get married months after my college graduation.”  i laugh when she curt her eyes at me, yeah, i find it funny. and i shrug again and said, well, the only possible thing that would make me utter some matrimonial vows is if that marriage is a “FIXED MARRIAGE” , and since it is not possible.. well, it wouldn’t be happening… [fingers crossed]

oh yeah, i mention about RANDOM FUCK earlier. my friend had berate me when i said something like that. it’s kinda– oh, it’s OFF really.. but i find it funny, i don’t know, maybe saying something like that is normal for me. random shag, occasional fuck, orgasm, one night of pleasure, spliff, fag, MDMA, those were just some words that i grew accustom with. usually i use some of those words as my expression. it’s normal, but not in the society i’m in. i also said to her that, i think i don’t belong in the society i’m in, that maybe i should live somewhere with the Europeans or Americans [i preferred EUROPEANS… :D] i feel like a free soul like me doesn’t belong in a society that is boxed in traditions.

i mean, so what if i support gay marriage? so what if i want to try drugs?  so what if i “COULD” give in to occasional shags, so what if i don’t do relationships, so what if my mind is liberated? I’m a FREE SOUL. who cares by the way?

Pretty Little Shits

Why do you always put that mask on your face? Why do you always give bullshits when it comes to your life? You’re weak. You’re in despair. You are not the thick wall you are portraying. You’re merely a wasted form of human, but I bet you are not human at all. Stop wearing that mask that shields yourself for the things around you. That calm mask whenever all things around you is shaking; that mask of patience when all you want to do is just go and walk away. You live your life in limitations, you live your life in rules that you alone have made, why don’t you try to go and have some life? Or… do you really have a life of your own? You put up yourself as a thorn that could hurt anyone with your actions or words… but really you are not. You’re more of a petal, fragile petal that if not for the thorns built around you, you’ve already vanished, you’re destroyed already.

Walls, you’ve been building up walls that you think would give you contentment. You wouldn’t want anyone to break that walls ‘cause if once destroy you’ll be nothing. You’re giving everyone that caring, and strong facade of yours… but what is really inside you? You’re a weak, hopeless, pathetic creature longed for love. Longed for assurance that no one will dare to leave you. You are selfish; you always think about yourself, you’re nothing but a pathetic whore living inside the perfect human form.

Stop struggling as if the world is weight on your shoulders. Stop absorbing the pathetic sobs of others. It breaks you. Those others do not know what you really want. You want to share your life to them, you wanted to be heard by them… but what do they do? Once you open your mouth all they do is to shut you up. They would listen; they would care… but do they listen and care whole-heartedly? It’s always been like that. They never cared nor listen to your thoughts with their whole heart. They would what? Tell you things that you already know? They would tell things full of understatement? What will you do with.. ‘it okay?’, with ‘just forget it’… where is the assurance that it will be okay? Where is the promise that it will be forgotten? Just face it, they’ve do nothing except for tearing you apart. They do nothing but break you, and every time you break… all you wanted to do is to break down but you can’t because you think you’re more than that; because you think you are harder than that, but you’re broken already. No one knows that. no one dare to know that.

Accept it, like you’ve long accept the fact that people will die alone. Accept the fact that no one could decipher you as you decipher them. Not even the one you called your best friend could do that, unless you tell what’s inside you… because even looking in your eyes is useless.

People have different realities, and you have yours… why don’t you let that reality of yours live your life up. Why don’t you let yourself live they way it should be? Every day is not a MASQUERADE. You would at least let go of that rules and limitations that ruling all over you. you are more than a mere façade of happiness, you’re more than a calm front… if you’re broken, show them, let them understand what’s on your mind. let them reach the petal inside the thick-walled or thorn container, let them see how weak you are, how fragile you are…

Dreamland with Peter

under peter pan’s arms i know I’m safe.

when he said everything will be okay..

i believed, cause he made me believe.

 

he’s my comfort when no one’s around.

he made me believe that fairies do exist

he’s my guide in the world of dreams and ever after.

 

he may not have a castle..

he may not be the prince

still… he’s there to protect.

 

i must admit,

i need to go back.

reality is waiting for me…

 

but just as i stepped on my windowsill..

he held my hand.. and whisper..

“we’ll go back.. i promise”

Finding Soulmate

it was way too ordinary. really ordinary…

but how did it became extraordinary? i dunno.. someone came? a knight in shining armor? a witch? a fairy godmother that will grant my wish? no! i was just walking on the path and stepped on a shit… lol.. kidding..

but.. uh.. here is why something ordinary became extraordinary..

I was walking in this F path.. holding a cat.. no i’m holding a drink on my right hand and bunch of papers on my other hand, then the wind blew and the papers slipped on my hand [how clumsy]. i picked the papers up without noticing a certain individual who picked one of the papers. when i stand up, i saw him staring at the paper. he kept on looking at it as if he got interested. he turned the paper upside-down with some curiosity in his face. what a dumb A**. he seemed puzzle with the thing. i scanned on my papers to see what is missing… OH NO! i immediately went to him and abruptly grab the paper in his hand. he just stare at me and smiled.

“what?!” i asked.

“nothing.. just got interested with your sketch..”

“got interested huh!”

“yeah.. it seemed so familiar.”

“yeah right!” i said.

“hehe.. that piece is the half piece of this..” he said and showed me something, a piece of paper with the exact drawing i have. i was amazed to see it and when i try to put them up together… it fit perfectly.. every lines, every color.. is just right. then i look at him.

he just smile.

“nice meeting you soul mate..”

imma wakaranai

this had been so surreal..

it’s something really unusual..

something i never want to feel at all…

falling in love..? i am.. but hoping i’m not.

days had past and still, here i am… staring at this blank page that i am now starting to fill. it’s like filling an empty piggy bank… you know.. i have to think of something to buy before i could fill it; before i’ll start putting some money on it. well, what’s the connection of it to me? to the thing that is surreal.. well, here is it.

it’s been days.. opps no! weeks… F*cking weeks in turmoil.i wanna know some answers.. but God knows… really.. He is the only one who knows the answers to my silly questions… but wait! in order to have question… isn’t it you need to have a problem first? there.. hmmmnn… *sigh.

yeah.. i do have a problem.. HIM.

who’s he? someone you don’t / might know. he is the core of everything. he is the reason why i’m on turmoil.. he who can make me smile but could also make me frown. he the center.. opps no! he’s not the center of my life.. he’s just half-way there..

that person made me realize that i could be someone i didn’t know i am. and now.. goodness! i don’t know what to do… it’s like.. you fill the piggy bank.. yet the thing you want was already sold out. you know what i mean.. Kare wa ta no dareka ga daisuki ..

hmmn.. so surreal.. that i’m feeling this way.. i never thought i’m capable of feeling this.. it’s weird.. it’s something i don’t know… it is something that i don’t want to happen..

Letter to Peterpan

FOR PETERPAN,

 

thank you for the memories.

thank your for putting a smile on my lips..

thank you for everything..

 

now that i’m awaken, i now know what to do.

i’ll stand up.. find someone who’ll believe that my love exists.

someone who will make my light shine again the way it should be.

 

did you really think that i almost lose my light because of the daughter of wendy?

not entirely.. but the main reason is that.. still.. it is still wendy that resides in your heart.

you hoped that i was her. i saw that in your eyes. the longing for the love you’ve lost.

 

i dreamt of being wendy. of being the girl you lie your eyes upon to..

but i guess.. it would just be one of my dreams.

 

now.. i’m flying.. away from you.. away from your eyes that screams her name…

i had love you yes.. but now.. i don’t know..

 

i’m writing this to you.. not because i want you to realize what you’re going to lose.. but i’m writing this..

because.. i want you to know.. that once in my life..

you became special.. and i know you’ll always be..

 

goodbye peter..

till next ime..

 

 

xoxo,

tinkerbell

Tinkerbell’s Flight

“I was wrong when I said that peterpan and neverland never exist. I was wrong when I said that everything was just a pigment of my imagination.. or rather the author’s imagination.”

Neverland exist. Somehow in the deepest corner of my brain—or heart I should say. Peter pan also existed. We crossed each other’s path when I was walking in an empty street. He was looking for his wendy and he’s not with the little fairy named bell.. tinkerbell. I talked to this peterpan and asked him some things.. I asked him where he came from and he just told me that he’s from that star. That second star from the right. I look at it and seems like it smiled at me. Peter also smiled, but his smile did not reach his eyes. We had a good talk about life. I asked him if why he was walking in an empty street… and he just said that… he just returned to where he last saw his wendy. I find hope in his eyes… hope that one day his Wendy will come across to this path and see him. then all of a sudden, he asked me back. Same question. At first, I didn’t answer. I was also asking for answer with that question. The empty street. The faint light from the streetlights. The light coming from the moon. Are those reasons enough to answer that question? I asked myself. He waited for answers, he was just there talking to me with those eyes, those empty eyes. I looked at him for the first time. As in really looking at him. then I shook my head. His eyes mirrored the emotion that I have right now. Emptiness. He then said to me. “I know you’re feeling some sort of emptiness. and stop holding back. Someone’s awaiting for you. someone is there looking for you. stop being a prisoner of your emotions. Let things go. It’s easy.” I wonder how in the world he could say something like that. I mean, his eyes were empty. He was empty and he is broken as I am. So why? And maybe the unspoken question was showed in my face. “you know.. I’m empty. But I still hope, that one day.. I’ll see her again. The woman I love. The woman I cared for. I know I’ll do. I still hope. And I’m not breaking any promised that we had.” Right then and there. I know I already fall. No, I know I fall for the longest time. For him. for peter pan. But I also know that I never had a chance. Did I fight? NO. peter pan is for wendy. That’s the equation. I loved I know, that’s why… it’s quite okay for me. I’ve longed accepted that fact.

We spend quite some time cracking jokes and everything. But still his eyes didn’t reach that empty eyes. You know what I wished for that time? Well, I wish that I would see her. Tinker bell. So that I could wish that… hopefully.. peter will see his Wendy again. I’m no masochist you know. But it may be a cliché: “I’ll be happy if he find his happiness.” Stupid may be.. but that’s how it should be, right? I mean.. I’m just another girl in his part. I’m just another girl he could talk to. And now? I moved on. That’s why I could write this. that’s why I’m okay with everything. Sadly, after the talked… we never crossed each other’s path. I don’t know. But yeah.. I don’t wanna know. It might bring back some memories that I shouldn’t be thinking. I’m afraid that it might happen. I’m afraid that… I’m not really over him. but as of the moment. peter pan, I guess, is happy. Last thing I know, he found wendy and they’re happy.. I hope they would stay like that.. and as for me? I’m flying here somewhere… away from the place I once called home. Oh! Did I tell you why tinker didn’t showed up? She showed up. She was there. Talking to that boy who never grew up. She was there talking about emptiness.. I was she. She was I. tinkerbell is me.. I am tinkerbell.. and.. someone else granted my wish. I am tinkerbell.. I’m a fairy.. but I don’t heal a broken person.. especially when I’m broken myself. But as what I’ve said.. as of the moment. I’m free.. free from emotions that made me broken. And oh… I didn’t tell you why I was there in that street.. well I was also searching for something.. but I found it.. hmmn.. when I learned how to let go..

Giving Up

it’s been a long time since i last walk that path. and now.. here i am… standing in front of two different paths.

i wanted to continue and walk straight to a place…a place wherein i’ll face different struggles..venture different emotions.. but the haven kept on pulling me. telling me that i should give up. that i need to stop.. stop struggling for something that i will never get. my haven kept on calling my name.. saying that it is best if i just end up something that is not worth it. but… is it not worth it at all?

i’m disheveled. i’m wrecked. i’m wounded.

i’m the one to choose.. will i continue that path of pain just to have something that i’m not sure if it will stay.. or stop and walk to the path i used to walk in to seek for comfort and assurance. but, if i go back… i would never get that thing.. more so, i won’t even have a glimpse..

i’m stuck in this limbo right now, asking myself.. what have i done? what did i do? or did i do something to make this things so complicated? honestly.. i want to give up. want to stop. want to heal this wounded body of mine. but something tells me.. the inner me is telling me that if i don’t go.. i won’t be able to see the answers that i’ve been looking for.

the path of emotions kept on pulling me.. telling me that if i go in there.. i’ll experience pain and there is no assurance that i’ll be okay.. that is where the path of haven comes.. it’s inviting.. it makes me wanna give up from the fight..

what will i do? will i walk to the haven’s path? or the other way? but.. what am i fighting for really.. the price? the privileges? or the thing called victory for a friendship that is faltering?

i want to conclude and say that i should go to the emotions path.. but.. my feet walking towards the place of giving up.

Something to Hold on to

we people do appreciate little things, little things that made us grow that made us strong as an individual.

 

me? i do appreciate three things in life, hatred for being so kind to me as always, you teach me that life is not all about love, that life has a bitter side wherein we people live to absorb. hatred is something that made us realize that we too have feelings that we are not just a common rock staying still in a surface, that hatred is a way to release all the tension that are burning us. hatred is showing you used to care but now you’re not because you suffered from pain, pain that you can’t live. but don’t you realize, hatred is the reason why there are strong bonds, you hated once but once you resolve your issues there’s nothing you can do but appreciate it. hatred is something useful, hatred is something that we cannot deal with just ourselves. because hatred is a tool, is a way to have a deeper relationship with others and with HIM.

 

second on my list is you Loneliness, loneliness that resting inside my core and always comes out whenever a fateful event would happen. this mysterious feeling live inside every people’s heart is the same feeling when you lose somebody. it is the feeling when you didn’t get the thing you want, your desires. but really this thing is, this feeling is normal. we rarely appreciate it because it’s something negative but it helps people to appreciate certain things: that being lonely only proves that we’re hurt to lose somebody/someone/something that we really care about.

 

and lastly, brokenness, this happens if we fail to have something we want, this is the result of our own selfishness. brokenness is something that all of us can’t live without, everyone of us gets broken once in a while and really it’s good, because when we are broken and we feel like we are left behind, someone will come and will make us feel that we are worthy of someone’s love. people get broken because they choose the thing that is wrong (person, decision), and really it makes me sad to know that they blame others for that when the only thing to blame are themselves, for being such a jerk for being such a one big stupidity, but then again, i can’t really blame them, they just let their weakness to eat them, but then again, being broken is something to be appreciated. being broken makes us realize that we are wrong, that our decision is wrong. i remember someone asked me a question.. ‘would you let your happiness go for the sake of someone else?’ i answered yes, maybe because that’s how life goes. i mean, what if the person you’re saying ‘your happiness’ is not your happiness at all? you will feel broken for letting him/her go it’s normal, simply because you’ve learned to love him or her. but then when you realize that what you did is just right–letting go– would you still choose to go back?

 

really these three things are part of an overwhelming trials that made us HUMAN. and i appreciate them.. really.. :)

Rumour Mill

I was thinking of joining PBB.. yah know.. Pinoy Big Brother something something. Well, away from the real world for 100+ days.. Fun right? But the thing is they will televise all my nonsense rants and my shitty life inside the house. Come to think of it, you’re away from the real world but the real world has all the satisfaction in talking about how messy and shitty your life inside. People will try to dig on your files and guess what; try to expose the shitty life that you left. Well.. that’s the entertainment people wants. No privacy at all. You’ll say you’ll not care.. how can you? If you’re there inside a big (not really) house and having a life with people you don’t even know..  and how could you care if you do not know that  your life is being exposed by people who doesn’t know the real you.

Gossip. The shitty thing called gossip.. it would either make you bad or make you worst. The gossipers tend or actually.. they don’t care what you do with your life.. if you messed up then you messed up they’re just there to create random chaos in your life. Holding hands with someone means you have hots for that person. Talking to random guys for some idea in an issue (i.e. RH BILL) means you’re a whore. And being close with a girl if you’re a girl means you’re lesbian. Haha.. how absurd these rumours are. They tend to create something that defies the real thing. I wonder how they manage to do that? Why can’t they ask the person involve. I wonder. Are they afraid that it might be a slap on their faces if the news that they’d been spreading is just another gossip from a shithole? Oh well, I don’t know.

What I know is that I’m ranting on how creepy they could be. How’d they know something then twist it into something else. And I’m really, as in really TERRIFIED with their imagination.. goodness, one simple action is equivalent to lots of possibilities.. (*shrug) honestly, they could be the greatest fiction writers knowing facts and mixing it with their own version of the story wow! It could even win a Pulitzer Award for fiction. Best seller worldwide without even putting an effort. Maybe it’s their habit, ya know, weaving some stories to make it real somehow… doing lots of covering up to the shitty holes of their, oh-so-truthful stories. Yeah.. past time. That’s really nice of them. (Talking about sarcasm everyone.

Oh, these people could be good lawyers, maybe they’re lawyers in their past life.. I don’t know. But they’re a good. They could even have a living because of it.. goodluck people of Rumours association.. you’re doing a VERY GOOD JOB.. yey!

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