maybe a part of me still think that i couldn’t move on.

maybe i did love him. or maybe it’s just a pigment of my silly imagination. but what i do know is that. when you love someone, all you have to do is to be honest to yourself and admit to yourself that.. ‘yeah. i freakin love that guy. that insane guy who had been lurking in my mind for several years.’

well, i remember when my couz told me about crush and whatnot. like if your crush status exceeds for 3 months, it’s no longer considered crush. then what it is now? love? maybe. but for me who had been pinning for that guy for years.. i think it is safe to say.. that yes. i did love him. i still do.

so, let me tell you this little story.

i met him in my school. i was second year HS and he was 4th year. i was walking holding a deck of an anime cards when he saw me–rather the cards. he approached me and ask me where in the world i bought the cards.

i told him where.

i never really thought that there is a big possibility that i could like him. i mean, he’s too.. i don’t know.. playful? like nothing matters for him except have fun and whatnot. 

i think, i sorta ate everything i said when i muttered that i will never like him. days had past and i became aware of his existence. i noticed him more and yeah.. he got attractive in my eyes. 

i remember this one time thing.. we have an activity that we need to go somewhere–a mountain actually. me and a friend had been chatting about the event and something else, then all of a sudden he showed up with all smiles. he say hi to my friend, since her bro was his friend. then, he looked at me and say ‘hey!’ he chatted about random things which i can’t remember. then he just walk away. after that, my friend turns to me and said.. ‘he’s cute right?’ she’s all giddy and lovestruck that all i did was to look at her and said. ‘yeah, he’s okay.’ then shrug.

that’s when i decided that.. yeah, i can’t like him. what a friends own is hers. (technically he’s not hers.. but still.. respect.)

but, you can’t help who you fall in love with–like rather. my friends (other friends) started to tease me.. calling him BEAR. that’s the start of that silly code name. 

then, february 14 of.. i forgot the year. my bestfriend and i were talking. she’s infront me and we’re like all giddy and stuff. then all of a sudden he showed up. i bet he’s a ninja. ‘did someone got a flower? well, i give one to someone.’ he said. then, he went infront me and said.. ‘is she?’ pointing my BFF ‘is she the one you replaced me with?’ and i was like dumbstruck. i was looking at him with confuse face and all. then he laugh. i just change the subject acknowledging his bracelet telling him i know how to do something like that. oh wait! he held my hand by the way.

i attended my bestfriend’s prom. since i was one of the usherette. it was a typical prom actually nothing special. but i had the chance to mingle with my BFF and her mates. and he’s there. so we talk and some stuff and he was playing with a little flower doing ‘she loves me. she loves me not.’ while picking a piece of petal. then all of a sudden he gave me one. i asked him what will i do with it. and just said that i’ll do what he was doing. but i didn’t i just held the flower. that’s the first time someone gave me a flower and it doesn’t mean anything at all. well, for him. oh yeah, i’m still keeping the flower.. it’s in a shot glass along with other dried stuff.

years pass, and we didn’t had a communication. until last year 2010.. we became friends in a social networking site. and the feelings that i thought subsided.. slowly creep its way out. damn feelings and all. geez. we talked about his ex and that he had a deep connection with peter pan and nicholas sparks.  we even went on a movie once.. but then, slowly.. we kinda drift apart. he pursue someone. i was left hanging.

years ago, i had a crush.

weeks ago, i admit that he was my first love.

today(october 16, 2011) i got my first heart break.

but for now.. i’ll be mending my heart.

tomorrow.. i’ll be better. i’m more than this pathetic girl i am right now. i’m strong. stubborn. bulletproof.