do you believe in Soul Mate?

a friend of mine and I had a talk about sexuality. she said that i don’t look like a lesbian, that’s for her. well, i said that, yeah, i’m not. or i think that is what i want to think too. and that if i’m a Lesbian i won’t go out with “HIM” or i won’t let guys–some– to court me. afterward, she asked me, if given a chance, would there be a possibility that i would do relationship with a girl?  i said,i don’t know; who knows, MAYBE. what i mean with that is that, i don’t care whom i would do relationship with. i’m a free soul.if would have a relationship with a guy then, so be it. and if with a girl, then let it happen. but still, i don’t think i would fall in the label that they called BISEXUAL, i mean, i myself don’t label for who and what i am. sexuality doesn’t define me as a person. i also said to her that as of now, as much as possible i don’t want to do relationship, you know, i don’t like the possessiveness of a woman, or the over protectiveness and restrictions that is set by a guy. i don’t want anyone holding my neck. she said, you do not like many things, how’s that?!i shrug and said, i don’t know, maybe i’m made not to do relationships. having a relationship.. i mean INTIMATE relationship with whoever the fuck it would be.. makes my goosebumps appear. oh well, i also said to her that, i don’t want to get married but i want to have a kid. how’s that possible? i don’t know, maybe some RANDOM FUCK. i also mention her about a fortune teller telling me that “it is possible that i might get married months after my college graduation.”  i laugh when she curt her eyes at me, yeah, i find it funny. and i shrug again and said, well, the only possible thing that would make me utter some matrimonial vows is if that marriage is a “FIXED MARRIAGE” , and since it is not possible.. well, it wouldn’t be happening… [fingers crossed]

oh yeah, i mention about RANDOM FUCK earlier. my friend had berate me when i said something like that. it’s kinda– oh, it’s OFF really.. but i find it funny, i don’t know, maybe saying something like that is normal for me. random shag, occasional fuck, orgasm, one night of pleasure, spliff, fag, MDMA, those were just some words that i grew accustom with. usually i use some of those words as my expression. it’s normal, but not in the society i’m in. i also said to her that, i think i don’t belong in the society i’m in, that maybe i should live somewhere with the Europeans or Americans [i preferred EUROPEANS… :D] i feel like a free soul like me doesn’t belong in a society that is boxed in traditions.

i mean, so what if i support gay marriage? so what if i want to try drugs?  so what if i “COULD” give in to occasional shags, so what if i don’t do relationships, so what if my mind is liberated? I’m a FREE SOUL. who cares by the way?

Why do you always put that mask on your face? Why do you always give bullshits when it comes to your life? You’re weak. You’re in despair. You are not the thick wall you are portraying. You’re merely a wasted form of human, but I bet you are not human at all. Stop wearing that mask that shields yourself for the things around you. That calm mask whenever all things around you is shaking; that mask of patience when all you want to do is just go and walk away. You live your life in limitations, you live your life in rules that you alone have made, why don’t you try to go and have some life? Or… do you really have a life of your own? You put up yourself as a thorn that could hurt anyone with your actions or words… but really you are not. You’re more of a petal, fragile petal that if not for the thorns built around you, you’ve already vanished, you’re destroyed already.

Walls, you’ve been building up walls that you think would give you contentment. You wouldn’t want anyone to break that walls ‘cause if once destroy you’ll be nothing. You’re giving everyone that caring, and strong facade of yours… but what is really inside you? You’re a weak, hopeless, pathetic creature longed for love. Longed for assurance that no one will dare to leave you. You are selfish; you always think about yourself, you’re nothing but a pathetic whore living inside the perfect human form.

Stop struggling as if the world is weight on your shoulders. Stop absorbing the pathetic sobs of others. It breaks you. Those others do not know what you really want. You want to share your life to them, you wanted to be heard by them… but what do they do? Once you open your mouth all they do is to shut you up. They would listen; they would care… but do they listen and care whole-heartedly? It’s always been like that. They never cared nor listen to your thoughts with their whole heart. They would what? Tell you things that you already know? They would tell things full of understatement? What will you do with.. ‘it okay?’, with ‘just forget it’… where is the assurance that it will be okay? Where is the promise that it will be forgotten? Just face it, they’ve do nothing except for tearing you apart. They do nothing but break you, and every time you break… all you wanted to do is to break down but you can’t because you think you’re more than that; because you think you are harder than that, but you’re broken already. No one knows that. no one dare to know that.

Accept it, like you’ve long accept the fact that people will die alone. Accept the fact that no one could decipher you as you decipher them. Not even the one you called your best friend could do that, unless you tell what’s inside you… because even looking in your eyes is useless.

People have different realities, and you have yours… why don’t you let that reality of yours live your life up. Why don’t you let yourself live they way it should be? Every day is not a MASQUERADE. You would at least let go of that rules and limitations that ruling all over you. you are more than a mere façade of happiness, you’re more than a calm front… if you’re broken, show them, let them understand what’s on your mind. let them reach the petal inside the thick-walled or thorn container, let them see how weak you are, how fragile you are…

this had been so surreal..

it’s something really unusual..

something i never want to feel at all…

falling in love..? i am.. but hoping i’m not.

days had past and still, here i am… staring at this blank page that i am now starting to fill. it’s like filling an empty piggy bank… you know.. i have to think of something to buy before i could fill it; before i’ll start putting some money on it. well, what’s the connection of it to me? to the thing that is surreal.. well, here is it.

it’s been days.. opps no! weeks… F*cking weeks in turmoil.i wanna know some answers.. but God knows… really.. He is the only one who knows the answers to my silly questions… but wait! in order to have question… isn’t it you need to have a problem first? there.. hmmmnn… *sigh.

yeah.. i do have a problem.. HIM.

who’s he? someone you don’t / might know. he is the core of everything. he is the reason why i’m on turmoil.. he who can make me smile but could also make me frown. he the center.. opps no! he’s not the center of my life.. he’s just half-way there..

that person made me realize that i could be someone i didn’t know i am. and now.. goodness! i don’t know what to do… it’s like.. you fill the piggy bank.. yet the thing you want was already sold out. you know what i mean.. Kare wa ta no dareka ga daisuki ..

hmmn.. so surreal.. that i’m feeling this way.. i never thought i’m capable of feeling this.. it’s weird.. it’s something i don’t know… it is something that i don’t want to happen..

it’s been a long time since i last walk that path. and now.. here i am… standing in front of two different paths.

i wanted to continue and walk straight to a place…a place wherein i’ll face different struggles..venture different emotions.. but the haven kept on pulling me. telling me that i should give up. that i need to stop.. stop struggling for something that i will never get. my haven kept on calling my name.. saying that it is best if i just end up something that is not worth it. but… is it not worth it at all?

i’m disheveled. i’m wrecked. i’m wounded.

i’m the one to choose.. will i continue that path of pain just to have something that i’m not sure if it will stay.. or stop and walk to the path i used to walk in to seek for comfort and assurance. but, if i go back… i would never get that thing.. more so, i won’t even have a glimpse..

i’m stuck in this limbo right now, asking myself.. what have i done? what did i do? or did i do something to make this things so complicated? honestly.. i want to give up. want to stop. want to heal this wounded body of mine. but something tells me.. the inner me is telling me that if i don’t go.. i won’t be able to see the answers that i’ve been looking for.

the path of emotions kept on pulling me.. telling me that if i go in there.. i’ll experience pain and there is no assurance that i’ll be okay.. that is where the path of haven comes.. it’s inviting.. it makes me wanna give up from the fight..

what will i do? will i walk to the haven’s path? or the other way? but.. what am i fighting for really.. the price? the privileges? or the thing called victory for a friendship that is faltering?

i want to conclude and say that i should go to the emotions path.. but.. my feet walking towards the place of giving up.